Wednesday, March 31, 2010

WTF Wednesday: I'd Eat Sand For You Anytime

As a mother I find that I am always walking a fine line. I am trying to be everything and anything my boys and husband need while desperately trying to retain some sense of self. I am trying not to sink into the abyss that can be motherhood because I am more than just a mother and for me, in the interest of my personal sanity, it is important that I remember that.

There was a time when I thought I was not cut out for motherhood because I thought being a mother meant sacrificing everything and I thought I was not capable of it. It was rational that I felt that way; I was raised by a single mother who did not make much money and I watched her sacrifice almost everything for me and my brother. I always thought I was not strong enough or giving enough to do what she did and so, for a long time I doubted I would have kids.

It was only after I was married that I realized that my experience of motherhood would be different than my mothers because I have a life partner who supports me in every way I need him too. It is his unconditional support that allows me to be a mother on my own terms.

Yet sometimes I still find myself wondering if I can cut it. I lay in bed and I wonder if I am really a good mother; I worry that I may be inadvertently scarring my children and that one day they will grow to hate me and think I was the worst mother. I know I am not the only mother that feels this way but the thoughts still torment me.

Yesterday, when I picked up my 3-year-old from Preschool we spent some extra time at the park and I let both boys play in the sand. It was the first time my 11-month-old did not eat sand; it was like it finally clicked for him that he could play in the sand with his older brother if he just kept the damn stuff out of his mouth.

It had rained yesterday morning so the sand was wet and the boys were very dirty after their little park adventure. When we got back to the car I noticed that my 11-month-old's soother was covered in sand. As I strapped him in his car-seat, he began to cry and reach for his soother. I couldn't give it too him and I had nothing to wipe it off with so I just hoped he would realize he could not have it and stop crying.

Fat Chance!

He began the lip shake thing and looked at me with his big eyes and I could see that all he wanted in the whole world was that soother. He was desperate for it and I felt really bad so, I did something that only a mother would do. I stuck that damn soother in my mouth and I cleaned off the sand so he could have it.

As I drove home with sand crunching between my teeth I thought WTF??? Did I seriously just ingest sand for my kid??

And that is when it hit me. I was always cut out for this. In fact, I was freakin made for this. I ate sand for my kid without a second thought and I would do so much more than that. I would give up anything for those two boys; I would even lay down my life to ensure their safety and happiness.

I wonder what the old me would have thought about me eating sand?? Oh she would have been appalled that's for sure. But I would crunch sand any day for him and I'm not ashamed to admit it cause I am a mother and that's what we do.


sandyb said...

First time commenter, not a first time reader (did I just write that?) Anyway. This post says it all - that moment you realize, 'ya, I can do this' is the moment worth waiting for in a way. I'm not a mother yet, but have often thought, 'am I even cut out for motherhood?' Reading that I'm not the only one who has had that thought cross her mind rules.

Also, when it comes down it, sand, spit, barf... all the same to a mother in love.

The Modish Mama said...

Oh the Mommy doubt goes hand in hand with the Mommy guilt. One of the many lovely parts of motherhood.

I have been barfed on so many times already... didn't really mind. Thanks for reading sandyb!!

Victor said...

Genes rule!

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

I have had that moment too, I used to agree that I never wanted children. Now that I have one I want a bunch somedays and only Ian some. DO you mind if I write on the same topic if I link back?


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